The Bold and the (not so) Beautiful

Dok, if you think Mum is bad with the proud mom stuff, you should see the endless amount of Soccer Mom's in their SUV's, sporting vanity plates (apparently the name for those personalised number plates) with 'super mom', or bumper stickers with 'parent of Harvard honour student' bumper stickers.. So Florida is a strange person. I'm having a great time but i can't help but be cynical when i look at it objectively. We had a lovely 'high tea' in the pavillion of a sort of estate that belonged to an old family who built one of the railways. Its a beautiful day today and nice and warm without being annoyingly hot. We then went for a stroll down Worth Avenue in Palm Beach, which is sort of the Bond Street of Florida, i gather. Every haute couture boutique you can think of, as well as Cartier, Tiffany's etc. We passed by quite a few characters (which is really quite a nice way of putting it) who where basically 'vielle peaux' who had been face-lifted till they could barely see out of their eyes. Their alien-appearances and leather-bodies gave away their ages. Everyone is 'blonde' and over 60, with diamonds dripping off them, and i SWEAR to God, i saw 3 black people today. One was driving a truck, the other was a construction worker, and the third was one of the waitresses at the pavillion. She was basically thrown in there to create a whole Gone with the wind Negro cook vibe, coming around to fill up our lemonade glasses. The social segregation i noticed is even more marked down here and you really only see 'poor people' when your driving down the freeway and you see trailer parks along the road. Its kinda like a 'Trailer Park Safari' where you observe the poor people at a safe distance, from the safety of your car. Quite different to California, where theyre roaming around in the wild! Anyway, it certainly is very relaxing down here because to be honest there isnt very much to do in terms of culture. It basically has this fake astrotuf vibe to it and could be called a giant golf-course, flecked with a few country clubs, some characterless highrise apartments, and lots of old people who all worship the same god: money. I wouldnt class Florida as one of the wonders of the world. Having said all that, and my cynicalness is probably coming out in unnatural quantities because im away from 'Europe", it is a great place to come if you just want to relax. Its been lovely to go for a swim, sit in the sun, and just chill. Marge's parents are lovely and have made me feel very welcome. We had a lovely meal last night, and i tasted swordfish for the first time which was very tasty indeed. Tomorow we might hit the beach and go for a swim in the ocean which id say will be a bit nippy. Im inlcluding some of the pics ive taken along the way.

Turn on, tune in, drop out (of highschool and become a trendy homeless person?)

Its been a few days, and a great few days at that. Quick summary: After Marge headed down to her family, i went on a day trip with Brian to Marin County. We had a very enjoyable day, listening to some classic tunes in the car on KFOG radio, cruising along the Golden Gate bridge and across the North side of San Fran. Its madness that you only have to travel a short distance and your straight in the heart of nature with red oak trees everywhere. We had lunch in the Pelican Inn, I touched the Pacific Ocean on Miur Beach, and we ended the day at the top of Mount Tam with an increadible view over the entire bay area. The following day I headed down to San Jose (do you know the way?) to join Marge. I got this weird little public bus thing down and the guy beside me was this old Asian man wearing a Belgium cap, reading the Catcher in the Rye. Marge and me spent most of the day in Santa Cruz which was fab because it was such a beautfiful day. We just mooched around, watched these people playing beach volley, checked out the surfers in the distance, and i tried not to go mental from having the Thrills song 'Santa Cruz' on repeat in my head. We spent that eavening and night at Marge's aunt and uncles ranch (seriously) which was really nice. They have this beautiful all-American pastel wooden house thats all bright inside and fullfilled all my American house-fantasies. The following morning we visited the old mission of San Juan Bautista (ive been spelling that all wrong for ages) and the town which is so totally from a Western film, saloon and all. After lunch, we headed back to Frisco and began the mandatory 'Steph wild goose-chase' that usually features on all my holidays. In this case, the Hello Kitty Mecca, childish and slightly unhealthy obssession of mine (well, one of..), the Sanrio shop. It was everything i hoped for...and so much more... That's all i'll say! We finished of the evening with a healthy dose of Nihilism, in the form of Woody Allen's Deconstructing Harry. Despite my complete aversion and repulsion to him as a person (in fairness he's a neurotic, saggy looking sex addict, who always writes parts for himself that involve kissing hot and young Hollywood actresses) its a really excellent piece of popular and contemporary philosophy. Anyway.. i digress.. Yesterday we explored what was possibly my favourite part of the city, the Haight Ashbury area which was the nest of the hippie movement in the 60s and 70s and where all the action happened. If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear a flower in your hair. It still has a great buzz today and basically consists of a really long hilly road that's full of colourful shops fronts, vintage shops, 'smoke shops', cafes and bars, cool street art, and plenty of authentic hippie throwbacks/homeless people (unfortunately in San Fran the two terms are often interchangeable) and quite a few younger disciples. We spent the entire day moseying around, trying on weird shoes, just generally basking in the cool San Fran extended and much cooler Temple Bar/Camden-ness. Oooh, we finished off the afternoon with my first American pedi, in one of those cooool chairs with the basin at the foot of the chair. Aparently the mani-pedi market in the US is dominated by Koreans and this place confirmed that trend. So we sat back and relaxed and there's even a remote that you can press to make the entire chair vibrate while they work away at your feet. (Slightly disconcerting and some would even say rude) I even got the parafin wax dip, which Marian Keyes describes in Angels (Dok, you know what im talking about!!), which has left my feet feeling divinely soft. After a short stop in Piedmont back at base, and a disco nap to keep us going, we headed out on the town. We met up with Marge's friends who brought us to the centre of the action on this massive road with flashing lights, night clubs, strip clubs, sex shops, bars etc.. It was so weird i noticed that the que to get into one of the clubs was entirely populated by Asian people. I thought it was funny that the US prides itself on being the original model of integration (all that Melting Pot bollox and all) but it seems to be an increadibly segmented society, with everyone living in parallel with each other but always within their social/ethnic group. Generalisations, generalisations... Forgive me. We settled in this increadible little blues bar that was full to the gills and buzzing with craic from the punters feeding off the excelent live blues band. I suspect we were the only under-40/50s in the whole 'joint'. Tremendous fun though, a nasty amount of kamikazi shots provided by the silver-fox 50 yr old barman named Huck, and his shinning silver ponytail down to midway down his back. The doorman was SERIOUSLY (and this is not just for comedic effect) about 65-70, with a white beard down to his belly, and looked at me funny when i presented him with my crappy paper Irish drivers licence. He told me proudly that there's a picture of him on the bar's website, after i drunkenly told him he was a legend. This morning. All i can say is that it was rough. We stayed at Marge's friend's house and Marge and me slept on a couch which involved folding our legs in positions that God had not intended for legs to do. After much guzzling of water to quench the unquenchable hangover camel mouth thirst, we set off in search of eggs. It was another beautiful day today and after lunch we headed down to Fisherman's Wharf where we were greated by throngs of tourists (because of course, i am exempt from that label) The tours of Alcatraz where all booked up so we took a boat tour of the bay instead which was really cool. We went all around the bay, went right beside Alcatraz, right under the Golden Gate bridge and back to the pier where we spotted the sea lions all pilled up on the little floating rafts, looking like God had taken a big bag of sea lions and tipped them onto the rafts. It was a super day for checking ou the bay and a lovely day to finish off the San Fran visit! So that's folks. Tomorow we head for Florida, on to the next leg of our trip. San Fran impressed me so much. I really fell in love with the place. And our hosts, Brian and Chris, where so nice and hospitable it really made the visit so enjoyable. So we say bye to our little rented Chevy and goodbye to the West Coast. I'm so coming back!!!
PS.. Ill be adding pics in a few days when i get to a cyber caf... x

Frisco

My first full day in San Fransico/the US in general and it has certainly lived up to my expectations! We arrived yesterday after a bit of a long trip via Chicago airport. It was great fun picking up our little red Chevrolet (that just rolls right off the tongue) and off we set, driving across to the opposite side of the bay to Brian and Chris' lovely 20s style, listed house. We made it just in time for dinner and pretty much started to fade straight away, since it was about 5 o clock in the morning for us. But that worked to our advantage because it meant i actually got up at the reasonable(well unreasonable hour in my world) hour of 6:30ish giving us a good full day. We headed to Berkley with Brian and had a walk around the giant (everything is oversized over here, including some of the people) campus. Berkley is like this weird american and extended version of Temple bar and is very much dominated by all manner of youth subcultures. The main street is populated by pseudo crusties who are only about 18 and who have created this sort of 'Homeless Chic' which is a little disturbing and somewhat artificial. It kinda takes the piss out of the real and overwhelming amount of genuine homeless bagpeople and mentalists in general that seem tp just roam around the streets. From Berkley we drove into the city and caught an amazing view of the bay and Golden Gate Bridge from the western end of San Fran. We had a delightful 'sub' for lunch in this kooky little cafe and then parted ways with Marge who headed down in advance to her family in San Juan. While Brian got his teeth cleaned in the city, i popped my American-shopping cherry, which was all i hoped it would be and more. One word.... Macy's.... One moto to live by.... "Who says money can't buy happiness?" Its hard to disagree when you're actually standing in Macy's. So off i wandered.. and hark, i stumbled across the Benefit counter. It would be rude not to! No sooner had i stepped within the Benefit woman's radius that she shimmied over and asked in her honey-sweet American voice : "Would you like to get brightened up??" I stared at her blankly wondering what the fupp that meant but im not one to refuse any Macy's employee. So she proceeded to ask me my life story while painting in my eyebrows, bronzing my cheeks, erasing my bags and glossing my lips. Its really weird, in all the shops and cafes people are ridiculously nice to you and ask your name and stuff. I spent the morning totally falling for their flattery and soon realised perhaps theyre not super-friendly out of the goodness of their heart. The 'inter-personal' relationship you build with sales people lasts about 30 seconds and its very strange. Maybe ive been hardened by most people in the service industry in Europe who have faces like a bag full of spiders and go out of their way to be unhelpful. Anyway, other bizarre things ive seen on my first day: An overweight transvestite with long flowing locks and stubble, but silky-smoothe and oddly curvacious legs, off set by his figure-hugging mini skirt; a homeless man sporting the latest hook from the spring-summer Abu Hamsa collection; a latino gang member with a 'rest in peace Raul' t-shirt with a picture of what i assumed to be his friend/fallen gang-member; a variety of 'places of worship'/places of indoctrination in unusually average looking buildings, which sort of create the impression that some random bible-thumping punter just invented a religion and proceeded to open a 'church' in his sitting room. (...possible not too far removed from the truth?) I also spotted the Jews for Jesus HQ. I have yet to investigate that concept.. So there it is! Im back at the ranch and chilling out before Chris comes back from work and then we'll head out for some dinner while Brian is at his wine-tasting class. (Well actually im going down to a real-live ranch in a few days to join Marge in southern california, but that's by the by.) So i will sign off for now and keep you posted on the strange incounters i will no doubt experience in the next few days!
Word x

News of the World headline: Ginger unleashed on the US

(Click on the map cause you can't read the teeny-tiny writing on this page..)
Yes, i am in fact departing on my trip to the US and AIiii (as Borat calls it).. Some people go to India, some people go to Thailand on their "im on that daunting fringe between studenthood and adulthood so i'll go and see a bit of the world and find myself"-trip, i myself have chosen the US. Or rather, through the world and its unforseen powers, it has chosen me. So i'm putting away my Ireland Palestinian support Campaign badge, and shelving some of my political opinions for the month so as not to incur the suspicion of the CIA. I already suspect my phone is being tapped by MI6 because of all the conversations i've had with dad about essays on the IRA and Sinn Fein.. i think we triggered it after the first ten Martin Mc Guinnesses and Provisional IRAs..) Digression.. Soooo... Off I go on Monday to San Franciso (en passent par Chicago airport.. Home of E.R.) for a week. We'll also be fitting in a few days in San Juan Buatista, one of those Hitchcock-esque missionary towns in southern California. Then next monday we fly to Miama and spend a week in a quiet part of Florida where Marge's parents are renting a house (with all mod cons, a pool and not too far from the beach) After a week in Florida we fly up to New York, where i will attempt to fulfill all manner of Sex and the City fantasies and probably drive Marge crazy. From NYC we move on to Garden City, Long Island where Marge is from and spend about a week or so there. I have decided its finally time to taste lobster and aparently that's the place to do so. Oooh, speaking of Sex and the City fantasies, we plan to go riding in the Hamptons! (Did you see how i said that? I think i pulled it off..) Easter weekend we'll be in Pennsylvania somewhere I think and then I'll return to New York to fly back to London. So that's the craic.. Can't believe i'm really going. Before leaving, my lovely Eibhlinn (my Ginger other-half) felt she had to impart some wisdom onto me about certain generalities concerning America. Here they are:


In the US of A ...(a preparatory lesson for USA virgins!)

- In the US of A a Fanny is not a furry lady part, but a Bum.

- In the US of A, when people say Alright, it's not a question over your health, it's a statement

- In the US of A, girls say really silly things and giggle and 'shimmy' a lot

- In the US of A, they don't have normal ice cream, only FAT FREE FROZEN YOGHURT.Seriously.

- In the US of A, black people and white people don't hold hands cos if they do the men in the hoods will burn their houses

- In the US of A, someone who is mildly obese is 'just dandy'

- In the US of A, people are really friendly, but actually sometimes they're just fucked up on sugar highs from crazy sweets

- In the US of A, you don't say 'sweets' or 'cinema', you say 'candy' and 'movies'

- In the US of A, the movies cost lots of 'dollars' or 'bucks'

- In the US of A, people talk funny

- In the US of A, you see lots of odd things

- In the US of A, everything is relatively modern because the whole country is only like eight years old, before that Indian people lived there, like in the seventies and stuff, and they had papooses, but then Laura Ingalls' dad rode his horse out there and sort of asked the Indians in their wigwams if he could like, build a big house there, and they were all like 'How', so he did. Then he had a few kids, and now they call that place New York. But that was only like six years ago, it's so modern out there. It's crazy, it's so modern

- In the US of A, people drive 'pick-up trucks'

- In the US of A, everyone has a mother-funking Irish grandad. Don't fall for it, it's not true. They're grandad was Jewish

- In the US of A, Stephanie Poisson will have a grand old time, and spend much of her trip in awe at the differences, and the colors of the crazy sweets and the sweetness of Oreos dunked in milk (dear jesus...i need it...) and at 7/11s which, when visited, transport you back into a movie you used to watch when u were a kid in ireland in the 80's...but you can't quite figure out which one...

Katchoniiiie

A shoe-shopping outing turns nasty..

A tasteful and moving statue of Dodi and Diana in Harrods..







Eibh left her hairstaighters at home..
Dervla gets peckish

An insident with Tiaramisu Dinner Chez Anna




Gulliver discovers Pringles

The Candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good..

Hhhmm.. the epistemological ramifications of that are quite perplexing..

Its been a while! I was so traumatised by the loss of my phone, followed by the loss of my second phone and abduction of my bag.. Just didn't have it in me to write. In the mean time I had a delightful visit from Ma girls, Eibh and Derv. They came to check me out in my new digs and make sure i'm still just about sane. What fun we had.. We just basically laughed, ate, gossiped/over-analysed and generally pissed around. We also had a marathon stretch of the lezer 'sex and the city replacement' called the L-Word. Apart from that, we hung out in Covent Carden, going from lunch, to post-lunch coffee, to afternoon tea. Ooh, i got my bloody bad stollen in this pub in Whitechapel where Jack the Ripper used to drink.. You'd think that would serve as a warning.. no. So we had to go to the City Cop Shop and flirt with PC Fit the Second. Of course my keys and diary with my address where lifted, meaning we had to spend half the following day waiting for a locksmith to come and extort 170 quid from me. So Derv went off to Cardiff for the weekend on Friday and me and Eibh headed to the LSE 'here's one i made earlier' nightclub, known to you and i as 'Crush'. We had decided to get a head start by having a few drinks before we left so by the time we arrived.. we were ready to go, i tell ya! We did in fact dance for 3 hours solid, BEFORE anyone else had arrived because it only fills up at about 11. So Eibh and me had our own personal disco (first year..merville..sound familiar?!) and by the end of it we were best friends with the dj, who was giving us all sorts of shout-outs (i think he was only too happy that someone was actually dancing..) including "this one goes out to our very own Crush virgin". So apart from a little run in with an Amerian who incured Eibh's wrath by throwing something at her from the balcony, we had a merry old time. The rest of the weekend was spent nursing hangovers, going to Camden in time to see all the shops/stalls close, going to Tate Britain on Sunday and skipping most of it apart from the modern section which had some interesting video-installations and a section on a porn-star from the 80s.. pre-Brazilian waxing era, i might add. So that's the craic really. I miss them terribly and miss having the craic with them.. Having them around reminded me how much i miss our humour cause no one here really gets me at all in that department. Anyway, apart from mourning the loss of my phones/bags and the departure of my luvies ive been essaying away and watching copious amounts of rugby. But more importantly, im off to the USAIIII next Monday. I can hardly believe it! So i'll be blogging away from there next week and hopefully my posts will be slightly more exciting than this one..

Slan x