(Click on the map cause you can't read the teeny-tiny writing on this page..)Yes, i am in fact departing on my trip to the US and AIiii (as Borat calls it).. Some people go to India, some people go to Thailand on their "im on that daunting fringe between studenthood and adulthood so i'll go and see a bit of the world and find myself"-trip, i myself have chosen the US. Or rather, through the world and its unforseen powers, it has chosen me. So i'm putting away my Ireland Palestinian support Campaign badge, and shelving some of my political opinions for the month so as not to incur the suspicion of the CIA. I already suspect my phone is being tapped by MI6 because of all the conversations i've had with dad about essays on the IRA and Sinn Fein.. i think we triggered it after the first ten Martin Mc Guinnesses and Provisional IRAs..) Digression.. Soooo... Off I go on Monday to San Franciso (en passent par Chicago airport.. Home of E.R.) for a week. We'll also be fitting in a few days in San Juan Buatista, one of those Hitchcock-esque missionary towns in southern California. Then next monday we fly to Miama and spend a week in a quiet part of Florida where Marge's parents are renting a house (with all mod cons, a pool and not too far from the beach) After a week in Florida we fly up to New York, where i will attempt to fulfill all manner of Sex and the City fantasies and probably drive Marge crazy. From NYC we move on to Garden City, Long Island where Marge is from and spend about a week or so there. I have decided its finally time to taste lobster and aparently that's the place to do so. Oooh, speaking of Sex and the City fantasies, we plan to go riding in the Hamptons! (Did you see how i said that? I think i pulled it off..) Easter weekend we'll be in Pennsylvania somewhere I think and then I'll return to New York to fly back to London. So that's the craic.. Can't believe i'm really going. Before leaving, my lovely Eibhlinn (my Ginger other-half) felt she had to impart some wisdom onto me about certain generalities concerning America. Here they are:
In the US of A ...(a preparatory lesson for USA virgins!)
- In the US of A a Fanny is not a furry lady part, but a Bum.
- In the US of A, when people say Alright, it's not a question over your health, it's a statement
- In the US of A, girls say really silly things and giggle and 'shimmy' a lot
- In the US of A, they don't have normal ice cream, only FAT FREE FROZEN YOGHURT.Seriously.
- In the US of A, black people and white people don't hold hands cos if they do the men in the hoods will burn their houses
- In the US of A, someone who is mildly obese is 'just dandy'
- In the US of A, people are really friendly, but actually sometimes they're just fucked up on sugar highs from crazy sweets
- In the US of A, you don't say 'sweets' or 'cinema', you say 'candy' and 'movies'
- In the US of A, the movies cost lots of 'dollars' or 'bucks'
- In the US of A, people talk funny
- In the US of A, you see lots of odd things
- In the US of A, everything is relatively modern because the whole country is only like eight years old, before that Indian people lived there, like in the seventies and stuff, and they had papooses, but then Laura Ingalls' dad rode his horse out there and sort of asked the Indians in their wigwams if he could like, build a big house there, and they were all like 'How', so he did. Then he had a few kids, and now they call that place New York. But that was only like six years ago, it's so modern out there. It's crazy, it's so modern
- In the US of A, people drive 'pick-up trucks'
- In the US of A, everyone has a mother-funking Irish grandad. Don't fall for it, it's not true. They're grandad was Jewish
- In the US of A, Stephanie Poisson will have a grand old time, and spend much of her trip in awe at the differences, and the colors of the crazy sweets and the sweetness of Oreos dunked in milk (dear jesus...i need it...) and at 7/11s which, when visited, transport you back into a movie you used to watch when u were a kid in ireland in the 80's...but you can't quite figure out which one...
3 comments:
Hahaha! Eibhlinn's got it right!!! Can't wait, my dear...going to be sooo much fun.
ps...can we drop the 'e' off of marge!!! i have a severe aversion to it! xxxx
and don't forget the rule of thumb..that size is relative ;0)
From today's Grauniad:
Ginger hair
Researchers at Louisville University in Kentucky have found that people with ginger hair have lower pain thresholds and feel the cold more acutely than brunettes. The scientists even suggest that redheads need 20% more anaesthesia than blond or dark-haired people during surgery. In one study, in response to cold, the redheads began to feel pain at around 6C (43F), unlike the dark-haired volunteers, who barely blinked an eye until the temperature hit freezing. Scientists think the ginger gene, known as MC1R, could boost the body's temperature-detecting gene, making redheads genuinely sensitive types.
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